I’m Not Who I Once Was

It’s early morning where I am, but I’ve been up for awhile. I wanted to savor every minute of today. A year ago, at this time, he was still with me. He was still alive. And I can only keep saying that for just a few more hours. And then it will no longer be […]

Read More

There Is No Gravity In My House

God is good. All the time. All the time. God is good. Yes. I believe that. And still… There is no gravity in my house. Ten months. And counting… When should I go to bed? What time should I get up? When am I suppose to eat? Or NOT eat? What am I suppose to […]

Read More

It’s all the things

I belong to an online group for widows/widowers. The group, which consists of about 3000 people, is a source of encouragement as we share our experiences. Even though my grief is new and unique to me, it is oddly comforting to know that grief, in and of itself, is not new. People have been mourning […]

Read More

Carol Ann and Me

I was just casually looking for art supplies at the local craft store. Minding my own business and not thinking about grief. Not even thinking about Jon in that moment. It’s okay to say that, right? Just enjoying a bit of reprieve with some carefree shopping. As I was comparing the different hues of red […]

Read More

Brushstrokes

So I painted this picture. The online class instructor suggested that we take pictures of the piece as we painted. That was excellent counsel. Looking back at the progression of this picture, I was reminded of the Master’s hand. I said in an earlier post, this grief art therapy is taking me to places I […]

Read More

I’d Rather Paint

I’m finding the creative arts to be therapeutic during this season of grief. I’m exploring acrylics, watercolors, and writing. I’ve never been one to write in journals. But my heart needed to put my thoughts on paper. I couldn’t find a journal that suited me. I ordered several and returned them all. I created and […]

Read More

Grief Witnessed

A few weeks back, I had to drop off some documents at a local business. The woman who took the papers from me talked briefly, and then tears rolled down her cheeks. She said, “Jon would walk in and come back to my desk. He was always so friendly, and we would just talk for […]

Read More

Chaotic Cluttered Crazy Grief

It’s been eight months. I plan to clean out the bathroom today. All the shelves and all the drawers. It’s been on my to-do list for over a week. I keep “arrowing” it over to the next day. And then the next. But I think today is the day. And to be fair, 75 percent […]

Read More

Beyond the Shadowlands

I watched Shadowlands this past weekend — part of the story of C. S. Lewis. I actually didn’t know what I was signing up for when I rented the movie, but recently I had watched Anthony Hopkins in another movie, The Father (also an ambush), and was intrigued by this actor. Shadowlands was such a […]

Read More

I miss his voice

My husband had been gone for a little over a month, and the adrenaline shock was wearing off. No longer was I frantically finding “his” chores to do around the house. I had become lethargic and depressed, feeling lost and alone. A few days into my slump, unable to sleep and feeling distraught, I got […]

Read More

It’s okay to just let it be hard

I have attempted to be pro-active when it comes to special dates and my grief. My husband always wrote hand-written notes inside of the cards he gave me as well as underlining anything meaningful. I have saved them all (all? I hope so. I’m praying I still find a box or two hidden away somewhere […]

Read More

Who’s Driving my bus?

My bus is stuck in the mud this week. Apathy, the bus driver, doesn’t think we can get out. Wallowing is here with him, a distraction, and we aren’t getting much accomplished, paralyzed by the situation. Food and drink have graciously been provided, but the thought of eating brings Nausea to sit beside me. Exhaustion […]

Read More

It’s Hard To Hold All The Grief

[We]… equate healing with doing something. When we have a problem, we fix it, and we prefer to do it quickly. But fixing is not the same as healing; in fact it can easily get in the way of healing…Healing happens not through doing but through feeling. — E. frattaroli Heavy. Hard. Scary. Hope. Those […]

Read More

recipe for raw grief

I’m reading a book by Joanne Cacciatore, Bearing the Unbearable. With her permission, I may from time to time post a passage that I find meaningful. I may write about my own grief as well, but right now my brain can’t fully compute and words are just jumbled in my head. Grief is a tricky […]

Read More