There Is No Gravity In My House

God is good. All the time.

All the time. God is good.

Yes. I believe that.

And still…

There is no gravity in my house.

Ten months. And counting…

When should I go to bed?

What time should I get up?

When am I suppose to eat?

Or NOT eat?

What am I suppose to eat?

Should I go grocery shopping?

Yes. I should. But…

What do I buy?

What do I like?

Does my stove still work?

It use to all make sense.

There was a rhythm.

God has a plan for me.

He created me for a purpose.

I’m still here.

Yes. I know. Oh I know.

I’m productive. I get a lot done.

I’m all about the doing.

I’m just going through the motions.

Pretending.

At least on some days I pretend.

Other days I just don’t get dressed.

I hate that.

I want my life back.

I lost my heart.

You too? I know.

There are a lot of us.

So many people grieving.

I’m sorry for your loss.

God is my refuge.

God is my strength.

Yes. I have a good life.

I have many things to be thankful for.

I could list 10 right here right now. 20 even.

I know it. I know it.

And still…

Ten months and counting…

All this “being okay.”

I’m not okay. And yet I am okay.

Do you need me be to be okay?

I can be okay.

I’m fine. I’m good.

I just don’t want to do this.

Again. With the Guilt.

It takes so much energy every day.

Depression, she says.

Expected. “Normal.”

What’s normal anymore?

Everything has changed.

I wish I could just wake up.

Worst dream ever.

Like outer space in The Twilight zone.

Untethered.

God is my comfort.

God loves me.

He wants the best for me.

Yes he does.

I couldn’t do this without Him.

I know it.

And still…

Ten months and counting… and counting.

2 thoughts on “There Is No Gravity In My House

  1. Connie, your words make my heart cry. They speak to me of things that are unimaginable. I am so blessed..Larry and I have had 57 years together. And I think of the times I take him so for granted. We know that one of us will soon be alone but we don’t dwell on it. But to have lost him like you lost Jon … way too soon.
    I pray that life will get a little easier each day but I think the heartache will never go away. Blessings to you sweet lady.

    Like

    1. Thank you for responding. Hearing thoughts from others is always helpful and encouraging. Yes, I agree…. I have good life. I really do. But I think it will always be “laced with sadness.”

      Like

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