Am I a Mom or What?
A new chapter has begun. Not sure how I feel about it yet. Well, that’s not true. Yes, I do. My feelings are raw — like a fresh wound. I don’t like it at all. I want to turn back the clock. I don’t want to go down this road. I knew this day was coming. I should have been better prepared. The emotion and tears have actually taken me by surprise. I thought I was ready. But life has been too busy to worry about it; each day held enough problems of its own.
Now what? I can’t just sit here. Or can I? Who would know…or care? My girls are thriving. They are living their lives just as I hoped, dreamed and prayed they would since they were babies. They are healthy and strong women. They love me, their family and God. What more could I ask?
The party is mine alone. My husband doesn’t want to join me. Hmmm. Whatever.
My mind knows better. I am a blessed woman. So blessed. But my heart has some catching up to do, and it is being slow to respond. It feels tired — like it doesn’t want to do its job today. It wants to find a comfortable cushy chair, hunker down, and stare off into space all day. Maybe tomorrow too. Because in reality, it doesn’t feel like it has a job today or tomorrow.
Now what? How many times have I wished for just this: time to myself. Time to do exactly what I want to do. And I know that is not even a rational, logical thought. Because has my 18 year old really needed me to care for her around the clock? Not hardly. She has been independent for quite some time. For years now, I could take a bubble bath at 2:00 in the afternoon if I chose to do so. So why this lost feeling?
Life has been busy. So busy changing that I have not had time to think. Changing. That is an understatement. Careers. Jobs. Houses. College. Locations. Yep, lots of change — happening so fast and requiring so much energy that I almost didn’t notice. Until now. And NOW seems very quiet and strange. Maybe I’m lost because I have no children, no home, no friends, no town, no church. (remember I said pity party) I am in limbo in so many areas. Even getting groceries caused me to pause in the entrance of the store and swallow hard. I asked myself (like a book I read a couple of years ago) “do I even know what I like to eat?” And I guess that is it in a nutshell: what do I like? who am I? If I am not a mom, who am I? Do I know?
I know I know I know. I am still a “mom”. But I am not mothering. And for over 32 years, until NOW, I have been daily, actively mothering.
So this new chapter is going to be about figuring out who I am. Because I cannot depend on my children to define me anymore. They have lives of their own. And I want them to thoroughly live their lives without worrying about me and what I’m doing — or not doing. Who am I? What do I want to be now that I am all “grown up” ?
Wow, I really don’t know. And it’s kinda scaring me.